There's Beauty in the Breakdown
There’s beauty in the breakdown. When things breakdown it can be very painful. We don’t want things to breakdown. We don’t want our marriages or relationships to breakdown. We don’t want our finances to breakdown, our jobs, we don’t want our health to break down. I am going to give you a different perspective on what is possible when there is a breakdown. Most of us walk through our lives completely unconscious having no idea what we are even feeling. We know something isn’t right because we can feel it but what we do is find distractions and numb ourselves. We use food, shopping, alcohol, drugs, sex just to name a few to numb ourselves. We do this because we don’t really want to get to the route of the issue.
Maybe the issue is your job although it pays your bills is sucking you soul. Your marriage or relationship is no longer sustaining or happy but the thought of breaking up is too much to even consider. Maybe you start to notice that you’re starting to have aches and pains that keep nagging at you, but you are too busy or afraid to go to a doctor. But you know something is off. Or you see your bank account dwindling down and paying your bills is becoming a challenge and a thought comes in that you may have to curb your needless shopping habit, but you don’t want to because you think it makes you happy. Your weight is getting higher and higher every year but the thought of giving up your friend food and chips is the only thing that you enjoy doing anymore. Now energetically you are off, and your higher self and your intuition knows this, but you keep putting off what you have to deal with. I heard a great saying one time, “what you don’t deal with will deal with you,” and it resonated so much to me. That is a truth statement. What happens is you get to critical mass and the Universe steps in and says, “hey, you are not paying attention here,” and a breakdown happens. Usually, these breakdowns are huge and very painful. It seems we humans only seem to get it and learn when we are in pain and then we are forced to make a move.
The breakdown is here. One day your partner comes to you and says, “I met someone else, and I don’t want to be married anymore,” and your devastated even though you haven’t been happy in your relationship for years. You get fired from your job and you are wondering what you are going to do even though every single day you hated going to it. You lose your home because you cannot afford those expensive mortgage payments any longer and you freak out thinking where you are going to live. You have a heart attack, or you get diabetes, or cancer, and you are terrified that you are going to die. These are just a few examples of the things that happen to us that force us to make some significant changes that our souls have been calling us to do for an exceedingly long time.
The first things we do is resist what is happening and rail against it, thinking it’s not fair, why us and not the asshole down the street? Don’t lie you know you think that, we all do. It’s natural to not want to accept what is happening to us, it is natural to be scared and angry and resentful. What we don’t want to do is live in that space. When we live in that space, we get stuck in the feeling sorry for ourselves loop and we never get the gifts that come with the breakdown. When I say, “there’s beauty in the breakdown,” I mean it. Our job is to find it. I know you thinking that is not possible because you are in too much fear, pain and anguish and I get it, I have been there and that is why I can say that yes, there is beauty in the breakdown.
As my relationship fell apart, my job which I absolutely loved, photographing dolphins doing therapy with disabled children ended. I also had to leave my home. All of this happened in a truly short span, just within a couple of months. I was reeling and railing against it. I was not accepting it at all. No way was this happening to me, I was a good person, just a FYI, being a good person has nothing to do with when bad and painful things happen to you. You don’t have to keep staying in that crazy making thought process of asking over and over again, “why.” It’s not helpful and you get stuck there. For a long time, I was stuck there, what started to happen was I was coming across books, I am an avid reader anyway, but books with different perspectives of thought that caused me to look for the deeper meaning. Inspirational and spiritual teachers who were introducing me to ideas that maybe, just maybe I wasn’t as happy and fulfilled as I thought I was.
When I did more investigative work into my own psyche, I realized that my marriage was making me sick. He was no good for me, he is a severely wounded individual and toxic, and I was trying to fix him but instead he was making me sick. I was never comfortable around him; I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I could never be my full self in that relationship, I lived in constant anxiety and that is not a fun place to live. The home that I lived in I never really loved, we just bought it because we lived in that town and thought we should buy something. It always had issues and I constantly had to invest money in it. When I finally sold it, I felt such a sense of relief that I no longer had to be connected to it. It was a money and soul sucker, and it was finally off my back.
The leaving the job was a bit harder to reconcile because I really did love it so much. As I learned more about myself it occurred to me that the job had to end. I had gone as far as I could with it. I worked there for seven years; I have thousands of amazing photographs that one day I will make into book. There was nowhere left I could grow with it. Having the experience taught me so much about compassion and beauty in things that aren’t what we think of as standard beauty. The way I look at life has been changed because of my experiences working with those animals and kids and I am eternally grateful, but it was time to go.
Once I really got that a whole new world opened for me. I never would have imagined myself writing books, using my art and photography in a whole different way. I never imagined doing something like Postcards to the Universe where I am a conscious co-creator with the Universe. If you would have told me when I was going through that I would have a radio show I would have said, “you’re crazy.” Just from my radio show alone I get to meet the most amazing and interesting people I have ever come across. People who are doing such incredible, inspirational, and interesting work. I am constantly growing in what I am doing now. New seeds of thought are being introduced to me on a regular basis which is deepening my own spiritual practice. My life is slower now that is for sure and I don’t have constant anxiety which I think many of us confuse with excitement, but I have never been happier in my life. I have gotten to a place with who I am, I can say with all honestly, I really like. I am loving this journey I am on. For me, there is beauty in the breakdown is if all of that didn’t happen exactly as it did, I wouldn’